The Cabbage Man
by totallystellar
Summary: Ficlet, oneshot. Sokka has reoccurring rendezvous with the Cabbage Man and cannot escape this troublesome vegetable. Please R&R!


**Name:** The Cabbage Man

**Genre:** Humor/Mystery (/omfgcreepy? XD)

**Rating: **PG, mostly for smoking.

**Summary: **Sokka has reoccurring rendezvous with the Cabbage Man and cannot escape this troublesome vegetable.

**Author's Note:** Relatively pointless cabbage story. I fear that it drones. I love Sokka, and I love him being in the middle of things or being angsty, since he rarely is either of those. He's not angsty in this one but he sure is in the middle of something. Hurrah for the Cabbage Man! And aren't I the best at titles? not

**The Cabbage Man**

Aang, Katara, and Sokka were walking through a crowded market, looking to buy a few staples that they needed. It was here that Sokka was stopped by the Cabbage Man.

"Buy a cabbage?" He practically begged with a toothy grin. He rubbed one of the green vegetables lovingly, and then waved it in Sokka's face. "They're delicious, half price just for you!"

"Uh, no thanks," Sokka began apologetically. "I'm really not a big cabbage eater."

"No cabbage?" The Cabbage Man exclaimed, looking aghast. "No crisp, fresh cabbage?"

"Um, no," Sokka said, looking for an excuse to leave without being rude. The market around them was dusty and loud. A child ran past Sokka and caused him to step forward to avoid being run into, and ended up without an inch of space between himself and the cart. The Cabbage Man was suddenly in his face.

"Try some cabbage," The Cabbage Man pleaded, his foul breath smelling very much like his produce. Sokka started to protest but the Cabbage Man held up a hand. "No, no. I'll start you off slow, and then you can come back when your taste for cabbage grows."

And the Cabbage Man shoved a small, purply-green cabbage into Sokka's arms, plucked a copper piece from his unprotected pocket, and winked merrily. He strode off as Sokka stood dumbstruck.

"Sokka!" Aang called from farther across the way. "What are you waiting for? Let's go!"

Sokka shook himself and hurried after his friends.

That night, Katara was laying out the food she bought, and Sokka remembered the cabbage. He pulled the round vegetable from his rucksack and lobbed it at his sister. It struck her in the head and she yelped, then glared at Sokka as he snickered.

"What's this?" She asked, inspecting the cabbage.

"Oh, just some cabbage this cabbage guy gave me," Sokka said indifferently, retrieving a half-carved totem and his knife from his bag starting to whittle. "You should cook it."

"No," Katara said. "I should put a leash on it and keep it as a pet."

"But it doesn't do anything," Aang said, oblivious to her sarcasm.

"This cabbage looks a little odd," Katara said, squinting at it. "You can eat it, but I don't want any."

"Fine!" Sokka said, insulted. "I'll just cook it myself." And when Katara was done with the dinner she and Aang were eating, Sokka boiled himself water over the fire and plunked the round vegetable in. When it was done, it was goopy, slimy, and in some places crunchy. Sokka decided that he hated cabbage.

* * *

The next day, the trio went to the market, and Sokka lagged behind at a knife display. He nearly jumped out of his skin when the squeaky wheels of the Cabbage Man's cart rolled up behind him.

"Geez!" He yelped. "You scared me!"

"Sorry," The Cabbage Man said, not sounding sorry, and then gave Sokka an indulgent smile. "Did you enjoy your cabbage?"

"No!" Sokka said, making a face.

"They all say that in the beginning," The Cabbage Man said, looking nonplussed. "You just haven't given cabbage a chance. You have a mental block against cabbage. It hasn't done anything to you."

"It's tasted horrible to me, that's what." Sokka retorted with a snort.

"No, no," The Cabbage Man said in a muffled voice, as he was digging through his cart and his head was not visible. "Try it again. I take great pride in my cabbages. You will like them. Open your mind to their possibilities."

"I'm sorry, sir, but – "

The Cabbage Man resurfaced with a lopsided, brown-toothed grin and pushed a larger cabbage, this time a pale green color, into Sokka's hands. With quickness that belied his age, the Cabbage Man slipped into Sokka's pocket and snatched a coin before sending a grin Sokka's way and disappearing into the crowd.

Scowling, Sokka reunited with his sister and the Avatar and headed back to camp. For dinner, he eyed his new cabbage with distaste, and as Katara again refused to cook it for herself and Aang, he pealed off the large, crisp leaves and speared them on a long stick. Instead of roasting as he'd hoped, they turned orange with fire on the edges and browned darkly, curling inward. Chewing unhappily on the rubbery cabbage leaves, Sokka tried to enjoy the cabbage. He reluctantly "open his mind to their possibilities" as best he could, more to prove that the Cabbage Man was wrong than to actually try and enjoy the vegetable.

Still, cabbage was food and wasting food, in Sokka's opinion, was blasphemy.

* * *

The following day, Sokka went to the market on his own and purposely sought out the Cabbage Man. It took ages to find him, but Sokka finally saw him parked in the shade, polishing his cabbages with a rag. When he saw Sokka, he cast one loving smile at the produce, and then tucked the rag into his turban. Sokka stalked over and got right to the point.

"Cabbages are nasty and you keep tricking me into buying them!"

"Cabbages are _not_ nasty!" The Cabbage Man exclaimed, deeply offended. "Hush! They can hear you! They are delicate!"

"Cabbages can't _hear you_!" Sokka cried in frustration. "Are you crazy? Cabbages are vegetables, not people!"

The Cabbage Man glared venomously at Sokka, and then petted the cabbages with the air of a mother soothing a frightened child. Sokka was ready to leave when the Cabbage Man finally looked at him again.

"You still do not know the joy of cabbages. Cabbages are life," He said. "And I am a slave to my cabbages."

"Cabbages are life?" Sokka mimicked, looking skeptical. "What are you smoking, man?"

"Cabbage stalk," The Cabbage Man replied simply, and shoved a small pouch of something into Sokka's chest, grabbed a coin and left without another word. Sokka was silent for a moment, then,

"He got me again!"

* * *

After Aang and Katara had gone to bed that night, Sokka snuck out of his sleeping bag and into the nearby woods, bringing the cabbage pouch with him. When he figured he was far enough away from the campsite, he sat on a log and curiously opened the pouch. Inside were tiny shavings in every shade of green, and a few of purple, brown and red. Placed gently inside the packet was a small roll of thin white paper squares.

Sokka cautiously took a paper square and sprinkled some of the cabbage tobacco onto the paper, rolling it up and inspecting it. With a spark from two rocks, Sokka lit the end of the cabbage blunt and held it gently arms length away from him. It smoked a bit at the end and the fire was eating up the thin paper, so Sokka ignored the niggling voice of reason in the back of his head and brought the thing to his lips, inhaling.

He coughed on the smoke the first few times, and then he got the hang of it. He felt lightheaded and sort of dizzy and his vision glazed over with a green, cabbage-colored hue as if looking through tinted lenses. Breathing in the cabbage smoke, he blew it out in little circles that, if he tilted his head to the side, looked a lot like disembodied cabbages.

* * *

"I lost Appa's bison whistle," Aang said miserably the morning after. He and Katara were oblivious to Sokka's midnight absence and if they thought he was acting stranger than usual, they didn't say anything. "I need to go get a new one."

So they went to the market.

It took all of two minutes for the Cabbage Man to find Sokka. All it took was Aang and Katara wandering off for a moment and the Cabbage Man fairly pounced on Sokka, cart and all, with anticipation.

"So?" The Cabbage Man said eagerly as Sokka tried to edge away from him. "How was it? It was a special mix of different species of cabbages."

"I – I guess it was good," Sokka said, his eyes darting toward Aang and Katara. "I didn't – I didn't smoke all of it."

"That's okay!" The Cabbage Man said. "Here, have another cabbage. You can have this one for free, though."

"You're very generous," Sokka said dryly.

"Yes," The Cabbage Man said importantly. "I believe I am. You should tell the same to my cabbages. I am a slave to them."

Sokka gave the cabbages a sneer before leaving.

* * *

That night Sokka put some melted seal blubber in with his cabbage in a pot of boiling water, and when Katara wasn't looking, snuck a little of the seasoning she had splurged on at the market and sprinkled that in there too. He was shocked and his pride was conciderably wounded when he found that the cabbage did not taste bad. It wasn't wonderful, but… he'd eaten worse. He could eat this cabbage again. And again. And oh god, Sokka thought, I love cabbage.

Sokka left their campsite early in the morning, leaving a small note that he was going to check out the knives display again. It wasn't too out of character for him to do that. When he got to the market, he searched frantically for the Cabbage Man.

"Cabbage Man!" He yelled into the crowd of early-morning shoppers. "I need to see you!"

But he couldn't find the Cabbage Man. He finally spotted the familiar wooden cart and turbaned peddler. He ran full speed to the stand.

"Cabbage Man!" Sokka gasped, bending over with his hands on his knees to catch his breath. "I need cabbage. I _need _it!"

"Oh, goodie!" The Cabbage Man said gleefully, looking very relieved. "I knew you would come around."

"No, you _don't understand,_" Sokka said desperately. "I _need _cabbage. I love cabbage!"

"You're one after my own heart, son," The Cabbage Man said. He stepped back and motioned to his cart with a sly smile. "Go ahead."

Sokka stared. He looked at the Cabbage Man, and then the cart stocked full of ripe, crisp cabbages, and then back at the Cabbage Man. He mouthed, "me?"

"Mmhmm," The Cabbage Man said happily. "You can even wear my turban to make the whole experience official." He unwrapped his dark green turban and secured it on Sokka's head. Sokka gave a happy squeak and leapt toward the cart. He grabbed a cabbage, holding it to his cheek and rubbing it lovingly.

"Excuse me, mister?" Said a small voice. "Mister?"

Something was tugging on his sleeve.

"Mister Cabbage Man!" Said the small voice. "Mister Cabbage Man, I'd like to buy a cabbage."

Sokka looked down grumpily and saw a tiny girl holding up a shiny copper piece with an annoyed look on her face, probably from having to wait so long for his attention.

"Uh, you have me confused with someone else," Sokka said, not letting go of the cabbage. "I'm not the Cabbage Man."

"Of course you are," The little girl said, looking at Sokka as if he were the dumbest person she'd ever met.

Sokka panicked. He whirled around away from the cart and stumbled toward the nearby knives display. His reflection was not the familiar one he was used to, but instead he was older, with a gray goatee and a dark green turban and bushy eyebrows. He couldn't breathe.

_'I am a slave to my cabbages.'_

Sokka looked down at the cabbage in his hand. The leaves suddenly parted into a demonic little smile, and dark parts of the leaves stretched into slanted eyes that were red like the red cabbages. He screamed. Threw the cabbage randomly. It crashed into a shop's display. Two old ladies looked his way disapprovingly and one said to the other,

"That Cabbage Man. Always going crazy."

Sokka whirled around, and he found himself in front of his cart of cabbages again. He screamed again at the sea of green cabbage faces and tugged on the turban to remove it, but it held fast. He paused. Tried to think rationally. Tried not to hyperventilate.

A teenage boy passed him. He wheeled the cart over in a rush.

"Buy a cabbage?" He practically begged with what he hoped was a toothy grin. He rubbed one of the green vegetables lovingly, and then waved it in the boy's face. "They're delicious, half price just for you!"

**Author's Note: **How creepy, you know? The Cabbage Man someone who is somehow locked into cabbage servitude by demonic cabbages until they can trick the next Cabbage Man into taking their place.

Huh. This is how my mind works; conspiracies and possessed produce. XD Review please!


End file.
